Journey of a Swingle guy

Just me, writing about stuff I'm learning…

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Swingle man. 55 yrs, recently (4 yrs) divorced & looking at life anew… Finding my way through the lifestyle & the world of kink, discovering new things about myself & the world all the time!

  • This is not a Funny one…

    This isn’t going to be pleasant or funny or easy to read – but I need to get these thoughts out as I am struggling…

    I am going to talk about the Cornell University rape saga – so if you do not wish to read or think about this & the issues raised – please stop reading now…

    If you haven’t been following, a recent case came out of Cornell University in America where in 2024 a young woman – (and I’m going to throw  the ‘allegedly’ in here because the matter is yet to be dealt with in Court and then not worry about saying it again) was taken into a fraternity house, plied with alcohol, given drugs and raped repeatedly by up to 7 young men… There was also a WhatsApp message sent out to a group of around 50 other young men – I believe of the same fraternity  – announcing “Free pussy”…

    This is the story that is now emerged on the media and subsequently has gotten very big on social media – particularly the parts where no charges were apparently ever held against any of the men involved, but the University expelled 2 of the men and others have administrative measures  – including having to write essays about, well – we dont know at this point…

    I’m not going to go into too much detail  – because firstly the truth is still to be determined at this stage – but, and more importantly  – the issue I need to talk about is not this specific case – although its obviously related…

    Depending on which report you accept – somewhere between 50% & 100% of all women have experiences some form of sexual assault in their lives…

    I have a good friend who has worked in the space for decades who states its going to be the higher number and I tend to believe her…

    And if course the term ‘sexual assault’ is a very broad one & encompasses a wide range of unacceptable behaviours – from being cat-called on the street,  groped on a crowded bus to  being raped…

    And I think this is something that distorts the figures at time – either accidentally or intentionally… we’ve got to agree with the terminology we are using – and that we are using & that everyone is talking about the same thing…numbers & terms get bandied around, especially on social media where nuance is a forgotten concept….I know I’ve probably been guilty of it myself – getting outraged at some new claim without checking the source or the accuracy of the figures…

    Figures such as ‘98% of all violent crimes are committed by men’…

    Which is NOT the same as’ 98% of  ALL  men commit violent crimes…’

    Statistics can be used to make pretty much any argument these days – because you can just pick & choose & find numbers that back up your point of view – and feel justified!

    Recently I had what turned out to be a relationship-ending discussion with a guy who’s point was ‘Saying it’s ALL men actually doesn’t solve or help solve the problem, and might in affect ‘make’ some men – especially younger, impressionable men – think ‘Well, they all think I’m a piece of shit anyway – so…’

    Which is an excellent and very valid point that does need to be addressed…

    The unfortunate part in my opinion is he made this arguement on a post I had made women comparing men to guns – in that they need to treat them ALL as dangerous because they DO NOT KNOW WHO THE BAD ONES ARE…

    And this is the crux of the matter – and the very real difficulty we can have as men…We simply do not – and possibly cannot understand the fear that women deal with, live with & exist with on a permanent basis…

    As men we are priveleged – sometimes privileged enough to not even recognise the privelege that we have – because we do not have the same fears that women do in the same ways..

    A friend of mine told me recent that he will not get onto an elevator if there is a single woman alone in there – because he realises that he as a large unit of a man – poses a threat to her not because of WHO he is… but because of WHAT he is…

    HE knows he doesn’t pose a threat to her – but he is self-aware enough to know that SHE doesn’t know that, and he respects her need to feel fear and he is ego-less enough not to be threatened by this…

    ‘It’s not ALL men’ hits us differently because we are looking at the problem from two different points of view…

    And it breaks my heart that there are the men out there that cannot or will not see it from any other perspective than their own…

    If you haven’t been explicitly told by a woman that she was raped earlier in her life – that doesn’t mean it didnt happen!

    If you haven’t been in a group of guys and they talked about getting women drunk & raping them – that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen!

    Not knowing is NOT a defence that can be used!!

    And I’m not not blaming men for not knowing this – but I DO blame men for not listening to women who are screaming this at us – begging us for help!!

    I know men in my life – good, kind, decent respectful men…

    Some of those men have children…

    And I am 99% sure certain that the men I know would NEVER sexually assault their own children….

    But – I am not 100% sure..

    And that 1% has nothing at all to do with the individual men I know. It has nothing at all to do with them.

    Its nothing they’ve ever said, or done.

    It’s not an off-hand remark or a secret glance I’ve picked up on.

    Its EVERY other man that has done terrible things.

    Its the many thousands of cases that occur every year in every country on Earth.

    That 1% kills me.

    That 1% means I can never truly trust men…

    “But its Not ALL MEN”

    But its enough.

    Its not ever Catholic Priest – but its enough Catholic Priests’ for everyone to understand what you mean…

    This is what some men need to understand

    But still the excuses come…

    ‘Well, she was drunk…’

    ‘But what was she wearing?’

    ‘Why didn’t she just leave?’

    And the biggest one of all –

    ‘Why didn’t she report it?’

    REPORT IT TO WHO??

    When the leader of the Free world is a pussy-grabbin’ peadophile – why should women have ANY faith in the system apparently designed to protect them?

    When time after time after time after time the system protects men & allows them to escape any kind of consequences for their actions..

    ‘He has a promising future ahead of him’…

    But her future never even enters the equation….

    Those 7 young men in Cornell – I don’t believe they are evil people. I’m sure they were raised by good parents who taught them the difference between right and wrong. I dont believe they were born with hate in their soul – but they are products of a culture that prioritises men so far over women that it is ridiculous…

    So it’s all well & good to have a civil & logical discussion about the issues – but not when women are being raped and murdered with seemingly impunity!

    Why women are not roaming the streets with torches & pitchforks boggles my mind! Could anyone even blame them at this stage? They are continued oppressed by the very system that exists to apparently protect them – from Fathers & Teachers and Clergy and Police Officers & Judges to Senators & Politicians…

    Obviously substantial changes are needed – and its going to take more than 1 solution to fix what is wrong… and there is no 1 reason, no magic bullet solution that will fix it overnight…

    Some men also – I think – fail to see the connection between what is happening to women – and what is befalling men – particularly younger men..

    When you consider the issue of self-idendity, and trying to find your place in the world – its extremely difficult for young men as there is seemingly no end to the numbers of poor role models they are told they should look up to.

    Looks and money and fame are touted as things they should be striving for – rather than having healthy emotional skills & connections with people. Women aren’t even really considered as equals – they’re more ‘things’ to get… to claim or to conquer by being an “Alpha” type!

    And this type of thinking has been pushed at men for decades.  Andrew Tate & his ilk are not a new phenomenon  – they are just a more polished & monetised version of masculinity that has been pushed on us for hundreds of years… today’s version is more slick and produced – but the message is the same: Men are more important, better than and more valuable than women so don’t have to treat women in the same way you would treat a male counterparts….

    It’s also no surprise that the rates of suicide disproportionately affect men over women – something in the order of 95%/5%..and there are many different reasons for this.. a lot, which I believe, fall at the feet of The Patriarchy and its insidious affect on society…

    Consider the fact that so many men aren’t even allowed to HAVE emotions, let alone know how to deal with them! Emotions are seen as weaknesses, as feminine…

    ‘Stop being such a girl!’ &

    ‘Harden the fuck up, Princess!’ &  my personal favourite ‘There’s no crying in baseball!!’

    (A League of Their Own 1992)

    A woman couldn’t be President  – she’d be too emotional!

    As opposed to the orange toddler we have now…

    Its no wonder that such a big part of the population has problems regulating & dealing with emotions – which has such terrible consequences on everyone! Both men & women!!

    As I write this, yesterday was the NRL Grand Final…

    I was a footy fan for a big part of my life – but stopped following it about a decade ago for unrelated issues…

    But these days – instead of rejoicing in the game or the sportsmanship, or the skills of the players – I’m acutely aware that incidences of Domestic Violence experience a 25% increase on Grand Final night…

    But women are the emotional ones?

    Not the men who choose to inflict physical violence on members of their household because one team moved a football better than another team?

    And I was a copper for nearly 10 years! And this statistic shocked me!!

    But in hindsight – is the number of points one group of men accumulated in a game a better or worse a reason to smack your wife in the face? Worse than being 5 minutes late with having dinner on the table?

    I saw so many incidents that they all just blended together… time of day, day of the week- it didnt matter – what did matter was men felt entitled to physically assault women – but those same men when faced with a man? They’d shrivel up like old prune and I’d feel empowered.

    Even then I failed to see the bigger picture.

    I just used to think of them as ‘bad men’…

    Evil men doing bad things…

    But now I’m older I obviously see things differently… those men made choices..

    Choices based on what they knew…

    Based on what society led them to believe they were entitled to…

    When a known rapist is made President, when men are hitting themselves in the face with hammers, when half a population is considered less important than the other half – we have a society in serious need of change.

    I feel lost and unsure what to do.

    I think a lot of men feel the same…

    I dont think we can understand the level of anger & bitterness & dissapointment & just pure white-hot rage that women are feeling right now.

  • To Kink, or not to Kink…

    Its only been relatively recently that I’ve discovered (or unearthed) my fondness & interest for the kinkier side of the lifestyle…

    During my 30yr marriage I was very plain & vanilla – 2 sexual positions – nothing more adventurous than an a disastrous attempt to use body sauce in bed – (PUT A TOWEL DOWN FIRST GUYS!!) and although I knew of the main, most well-known kinks, well – they were for ‘other people’… Not me…

    But…

    After my separation and I started dipping my toe into single life & the Swinging lifestyle, a lady I was seeing expressed an interest in exploring certain aspects…

    And look – it is fascinating!

    Once you start digging down on it & learning about the the different principles involved – its a wonderful insight into what makes some people tick…

    And of course it’s not for everyone… and there are many different ways people can play – impact, Shibari/rope, wax, age, compression, praise/degradation water sports – the list is almost endless!

    For me – it is Power Exchange – particularly in Top/bottom Impact scene that gets my blood flowing…

    At first – I was extremely hesitant to even contemplate it – hit a woman?

    That’s not what we do!!

    I’d been brought up to KNOW that a gentleman (in the proper sense of the word) never put their hands on a lady – I’d arrested & jailed people for that very thing!

    And for me – in my way of thinking – I was showing the utmost respect to women by not hitting them…

    Even if they said they would enjoy it – I knew better!

    I was high on my own ignorant arrogance, and felt smugly sanctimonious over how good I was treating people…🤦‍♂️

    Luckily for me – I had a very good friend who was able to ‘educate me’ out of my ignorance and enabled me to see the error of my ways…

    And what an education it was!

    I had another one of them epiphany things – a life-changing moment where I gained an entirely different way of looking at the world!

    She was able to explain to me that I was in fact, being disrespectful to a lady by not giving her agency over her own pleasure… I was assuming that I knew better than she did!

    That – if it was something that she consented to and enjoyed – who the hell was I to deny her?

    And – funnily enough – that was all it took for me to understand… I am all about giving pleasure. That’s how I get enjoyment – by giving it – not just taking.

    Once I understood that it could be a source of pleasure – I was in!! Now its one of my favourite things, and I seriously believe one of my greatest strengths has become the ability to read people and take them to where they need to go – SAFELY…

    Now I understand that for some people, Impact play can be a release – the troubles of the modern world are shut out by the feeling of leather on skin. Or skin or wood or plastic or whatever you use…

    So many partners have told me that the biggest take-away they get is that the play forces them to exist in that moment… the sensation leaves no room for any other concerns or problems or stresses – it’s almost like a meditative state of mind…

    And for me – being able to give this sort of pleasure to someone is extremely satisfying… knowing that if only for this instant in time – their Universe only has 2 people in it…

  • Consent…The A, B, Cs….

    Consent is a simple concept…

    No means no, right?

    ‘No’ is a complete sentence…

    That’s something that I’ve said more than once – and meant it each time…

    But it goes deeper than that… Consent begins before words and continues through the scene until the end!

    As someone who helps organises Swingers parties Consent is an extremely important consideration…

    Its often been called one of the key tenets of the Swinging Lifestyle – as well as Honesty & Respect – and is something we bring up at every opportunity…

    I love talking about Consent – but I sometimes struggle with how simple and yet complex it can be…

    Simple. Simple as in ‘No means No’… that’s a simple, black & white, no room for misinterpretation,  full statement…

    Complex. Made complex as we humans sometimes see things differently.  Men & women can see things from very different perspectives… Age plays a point, as does culture as do many factors… the way we understand and use language…

    Imagine this scenerio…

    Person A slaps Person B on the bum as they walk past each other…

    Simple example – happens all the time in nightclubs, parties & offices all over the world, right?

    Pretty clear cut at first glance…But-

    Was consent broken?

    Was it needed?

    Do the genders of the people matter?

    Does the relationship between the people matter?

    How does it look from Person C’s perspective?

    All of a sudden – its not so Black & White anymore…

    Here’s another example – you’re at a Swingers party, and wish to play with someone in a couple.

    Do you ask both people? Only one? Do you need to ask the persons’ partner? Might there be a relationship dynamic that is in play?

    Again – is the gender of the people important?

    I think it probably shouldn’t  – but I’d have to say from what I’ve seen & heard – in reality sometimes it does matter…

    Another thing that can have an impact on consent, or, at the very least the appearance of Consent is if there is an existing relationship/connection with the other person… I’ve made many great friends in the lifestyle, and believe there exists a level of implied consent – for low-level things like touching or hugging for example…

    Of course this has limits – if I’ve played with someone in the past – that it no way means I get to play with them again – unless they consent to it…

    Just because I shared a cup of tea with them yesterday, doesn’t automatically give me any future tea rights…😊

    But I can imagine how this might look to a 3rd person – particularly if that person doesn’t know of the existing friendship…A person new to the lifestyle may not understand – and that’s not always their fault…

    Guys new to the lifestyle that might be a bit confused about this apparent double-standard – let me try and clear it up for you a bit…

    You’re hanging out with your mates… these are guys you’ve known for years, maybe even grown up with…

    You can take the piss out of your mates – call them names a total stranger would punch you in the mouth for – because you’ve built that relationship over a period of time…

    This is a form of Consent – and works exactly the same way!

    Except – you’re probably not trying to sleep with your boys…😊

    If you meet a guy for the first time – you’re going to treat him a bit differently than the mate you’ve known since kindy…

    Established relationships…

    But this comes back to the Golden Rule – Always Ask!!!

    Never Assume…

    Even though there are grey areas, and can be open to different interpretations – one thing is very true – No means No!

    If you are unsure – ASK!

    And remember that Consent can be revoked at any point! It’s always good to check in with your partner throughout – just from a sense of good manners!

    The surest way to get thrown out of a Swingers Party is to ignore this basic rule…

    But if you follow these basic principles, and not only ask but really LISTEN to your play partner – you’ll have a lot more fun!!

    And isn’t that the point? 😊

  • CURSE OF THE WOMBAT

    HINTS FOR SINGLE GUYS!!!

    Alrighty then – single guys… this one goes out to you!!

    Listen up & I’ll share a few secrets I’ve picked up over the past couple of years that will make your lives easier, & lead to better interactions for everyone.

    And, before any of you sookie baby-men start with “It’s not me, I’m a Nice Guy” or worse “It’s not ALL Guys” let’s get one thing cleared up right away…

    Yes – it’s not all men…

    But it’s almost always men.

    What does that mean?

    If you’ve ever been to a club or a private party, how many times has a woman caused a drama?

    Yes- it certainly does happen…. but I’d say 80-90% of the times it’s us guys…

    So- what are we doing wrong?

    Firstly – just acting creepy…

    Just stop it. Don’t know the vibe you’re trying to send, but it ain’t working. Don’t stand beside the bed with your cock out & stare at women. Don’t wait for play to start with others & then try to sneak in afterwards, or cop a cheap feel..

     JUST FUCKING STOP IT!!!!

    If you can’t talk to a woman, & have a bit of a conversation with them – maybe work on that part first…

    And – speaking as someone with social anxiety, yes – it can be 100% uncomfortable – but it needs to be done..

    Women, for the most part – are funny creatures… They actually like to connect with a potential partner first before allowing them inside their bodies…

    IKR?

    So – what do you say? How do you talk to women?

    Start small – say hello… Look for any interest…

    Compliment her on her outfit – not the size of her breasts… She probably knows her tits are awesome… You’re not telling her anything she doesn’t already know!!

    Her hair, her outfit – even her perfume… And be genuine! Be honest and respectful…

    One of the best introductions I ever heard was a guy saying to a lady “I never know how to start a conversation with women as pretty as you…” and he meant it! It wasn’t just a line…

    By being honest means accepting that you’re both at a play event.  I often find that asking people how they like to play can be a good ice-breaker – if done respectfully of course…

    You never know – they could be looking for someone like you…

    Secondly – treat couples with respect… Every couple has their own dynamic & their own way of playing…Peronally – I don’t ask for permission from the guy if I wish to play with the female partner – but I do understand the need to show…respect? It’s something I struggle to out into words… I’m not asking him for permission to play with her, but again trying to be respectful of people’s dynamics…and that’s more for me… I don’t want to get in the middle of anyones’ dramas!

    “But Jai!” I hear you ask – “How am I to know what the rules are if everyone’s different??“

    Good question Mr Imaginary- why not ask them?  

    It’s a radical approach I grant you – but if you take time to engage with both people – & ask them with your words – you might be surprised at what you will find out!

    The couple may be in a Dom/sub dynamic, where even if the lady wants to play with you – their particular dynamic is she may need to check in with her partner first…

    WHAT YOU DON’T DO!!! Make idle chit-chat with the couple, & then put the hard word on the lady as soon as the guy goes to the bar, or to have a piss… It’s cowardly & shows a lack of respect…

    Be more than just a dick…

    And by that I mean – develop a personalty that’s not dependent your penis – as impressive as you think it is!!

    I know we all watch porn and we are told that ‘bigger is better’ – but if you ask women – they are not always impressed with length or girth… Some women will actually reject a penis that is too big!!

    Don’t be a Wombat!

    What’s a Wombat in this context you may ask?

    A Wombat is a guy who eats, roots & leaves…

    He cums, then he goes…

    And fine – if all you’re looking for is a quick root – fantastic, good for you… But you’re not getting an invite back  to our parties again… We much prefer people who are geniune in looking at making connections with other people…

    Swinging is not about Sex…

    Swinging is about finding other people who vibe like you do… making friends – being able to really be free to express yourself in a group of people without feeling uncomfortable…

    If all you want is your dick wet – move along sunshine – you’re taking a spot from someone better…

    Understand that Consent is sexy if you want it to be… Like with most things – its often more about the delivery than the message itself… Take time to establish boundaries, desires & wants before engaging in play..

    Why?

    Put very simply – women feel safer when listened to.. Safe women are Happy women…

    Happy women are horny women… 

    Well – hopefully I’ve ruffled a few feathers with this one.  Feel free to comment if you disagree!! Now – go and get some Happy in ya!

  • PERILS OF A SINGLE GUY…

    As a somewhat single guy in the lifestyle (I have a extremely lovely GFWB but we also happily play as individuals ) and as a particularly introverted one – I wanted to share with the other single & newbie guys out there some of the things I have I have learned over the past few years that have helped me overcome some of my social anxieties and have helped me better relate to the lovely ladies…

    First of all – if you’re at a party, Munch or other type of Event – CONGRATULATIONS!!!

    That’s a big step – you’re putting yourself out there, which has got to be one of the hardest things to do!! Actually walking in the door for the first time can be terrifying!!!

    My first ever Event was just a Meet & Greet at a local pub – so no play or anything to worry about…

    Still…

    Luckily for me I had recently met a lady who was in a similar position to me – except WAAAAYYY better looking than me!!

    We still sat in the car for 20 mins tossing up between just driving home and taking the plunge…

    ‘What were we thinking? We’re far too Old & Ugly to be Swingers – they’re all young & fit & beautiful and we’re not!!!”

    Luckily – we managed to find 20 seconds of Courage (Thanks to Matt Damons’ character in ‘We Bought a Zoo’… “You know, sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage, just literally 20 seconds of embarassing bravery, and I promise you great will come of it…” and walked through the front door to be met with… normal, everyday people?

    No hairy-chested men with too many gold medallions and too tight pants…

    No ‘gorgeous models’ – just real people. People like you and me – people with jobs & kids and leaky pipes and a healthy attitude towards sex…

    So if you manage to walk into that room – fucking Fantastic!!

    As a lifetime introvert, I couldn’t help feeling self-conscious about my hairy, 50yr old Dad-bod… I didn’t have abs, or those things down the sides of the men in magazines – the only things I lifted was cheesecake so obviously women wouldn’t be attracted to me, right?

    The naked truth is both disconcerting and extremely freeing – and its so obvious that its often overlooked… So I need you to listen closely to what I’m about to tell you…

    Come a bit closer – that’s it – closer – I won’t bite…

    PEOPLE AREN’T THINKING ABOUT YOU!!!!

    People – just like you – have a Lot of Shit going on in their lives… and you and you less-than-perfect body don’t even make the Top 50 most of the time!!!

    Plus – and here’s the funny bit – most people are too worried about what Other people are thinking about Them to worry about YOU!

    IKR? – how rude!

    There’s a concept I recently learned about – I don’t know if its a ‘real’ thing or just one of those social media theories that come around now again…

    ‘Main Character Syndrome’ – simply put its a point of view that we have where we are the main character of our own stories, and can easily forget that in Other peoples’ stories – we are just a side character – not the Hero… which is not a bad thing – but can be a bit of a hit to our egos…

    My first proper Play Event was an Australia Day Pool party… I was the +1 to a friend who was more experienced than me…

    I took my swimmers with me – but just as the time came to hop in the water – I took a deep breath and bit the bullet… There were probably 30-40 people there – in various stages of undress…

    As I stripped naked in front of strangers for the first time in my 50+ years, I waited for the outcries… for people to start laughing and pointing at my naked, hairy body and limp, definitely non-porn star sized cock… for the music to come to a screeching halt and everyone to look at me…

    Aaaand….

    Nothing…

    Nobody even batted an eyelid…

    Nobody paid me the slightest bit of attention – which – after a brief moment of confusion – was soooo freeing & enlightening…

    I had one of those ‘Lightbulb moments’ – one of them ‘Epiphany things (which I always thought was a Greek desert – but apparently not!)… I wasn’t anything special – just another person in the Lifestyle , being accepted by people for who I was – not what I Looked like!

    I finally realised what so many people had said during my life… I had wasted so much time in my life worrying about what Other people had thought of me – when the simple truth was they simply weren’t…

    This took so much pressure off me – and allowed me to just enjoy being me, and the ability to find the best version of me there was…

    I can truly say that as long as you are open and honest – firstly with yourself and then with other people – you’ll enjoy your life a lot more…

    So – you’ve found the courage and are at a party…

    You’re being yourself, and have enjoyed a lively conversation with a lovely lady that you wouldn’t mind getting to know a bit better…

    You ask her if she’d like to play/ take things into the bedroom/ do the horizontal mambo – however you put it! And she says no…

    Time to leave then. Put your shoes back on & dissapear into the night… Sad music following you as you slink off alone… Right?

    Thats’ one option certainly….or you can understand that a rejection isn’t always an indictment of you as a person…

    Oh – it can certainly can be! But it can also be one of a mllion other reasons because we aren’t the centre of the Universe… a lesson some people would do good to learn!!!

    Lets face it – unless you’ve done something big & bold, you’re probably not going to elicit that kind of reaction from somebody…

    So many times it’s NOT personal – so try not to take it that way…

    How? By realising that there are so many factors that may affect a person’s – and at the risk of being called sexist, particularly women – desire to play at a given moment…

    Whilst also importantly respecting the fact that No means No, and that No is a complete sentence and that no woman ‘owes’ you an explanation…

    This is a short list of reasons why a person might not want to play at that particular moment:

    It’s too hot in the room,

    It’s too cold in the room,

    The chicken wings just came out of the oven and she’s hungry (and not for cock!),

    They not long ago finished playing & aren’t ready to another round just yet,

    They’ve got their eye on someone else,

    You look like her sons’ best friend,

    You look like her son/brother/ex-boyfriend

    Their partner said what?,

    Shelley just said something really funny & interesting,

    Your cologne /perfume reminds them of someone they don’t like..,

    They’re looking for a different sort of experience tonight and its just not you…,

    She been hit on by 12 blokes so far and is just over it!,

    She’s having anxiety issues because she just noticed a bulge under her lingerie and feels ugly,

    Her hair just wont sit properly,

    She feels bloated, or dizzy, or fat, or out of place…

    The list goes on and on and on… a thousand reasons that don’t involve you in any way…

    But it’s human nature to put ourselves at the top of the list – unfortunately, particularly guys can have problems dealing with perceived rejection…

    But – if you can leave your ego at the door with your shoes – you can move past this small issue and continue to enjoy your experience.

    Lastly – I’ll say this… This is a journey of many small steps…

    Everybody will take different steps of different sizes…

    Your journey is yours alone & only you know how fast you travel…

    Have fun everyone!!!

  • DOUBLE THE PLEASURE, DOUBLE THE FUN!

    Compersion…

    Chances are you haven’t heard this word a lot in your lifetime…

    If you’ve never heard of it – Google it… go on – I’ll wait..🙂

    Powerful little word, isn’t it?

    Personally – I’d never heard of it until I’d been in the lifestyle for about a year… so I was around 52 years old…

    52 years on this planet – and I’d never even heard of this word…

    Which is weird – seeing as it’s described as the ‘opposite of jealousy’…

    When you think about it – most emotions come in pairs – they have an opposite…

    Happy/Sad,

    Love/Hate,

    Anticipation/Dissapointed…

    But jealousy seems to exist on its own…

    Which probably goes a long way to explain why it’s the default emotion for the majority of us when we’re in a situation where a partner shows interest in another…

    I mean – how else are you supposed to feel?? 🤷‍♂️

    Especially if you don’t know that there is another option available to you! A better option…

    An option that instead of reducing the amount of joy & happiness in your life – actually increases it!!

    It’s crazy, right?

    But we in the lifestyle understand it – to varying degrees of course…

    And its not easy.. it feels uncomfortable & unnatural at first – because it goes against everything we’ve been taught by society…

    When my then wife came to me 4 & a bit years ago & told me she was in love with another man – I genuinely did not know what to feel…

    I had no personal reference point for what I was going through – we’d been together since our early 20’s, she was my first serious relationship and I had no experience with these sorts of feelings…

    The only things I knew was what I’d seen in movies & on TV…I was torn between falling dramatically to my knees in a dramatic rain storm & dramatically screaming to the heavens; to standing outside her house holding a stereo above my head in a dramatical,  yet futile attempt to win her back!

    (I know this reference will be lost on most people – but to the 3 people that understand it? Are your knees sore too? 😊)

    Luckily though, I managed to find a way out of the dark hole I was in – thanks mostly to the help of 2 wonderful people who showed me it wasn’t the end end – just the end of a chapter in my life…

    Fast forward 2 or 3 years… I had been in the lifestyle, casually, for a bit – mostly as a single guy or somebodies +1 to events…

    I met a lady, who I’ll call Wench…in a similar situation to me relationship-wise, and began seeing her – with the agreement that we were open to others, not exclusive to each other and were not looking for anything serious or long-term…

    Mostly this was to protect myself from heartbreak – if I kept people at a distance, I’d be safe, right?

    So strictly FWB situation from Day 1…

    And its great. Wench & I are having a great time.. we hang out, and hook-up, explore different aspects of various things together & learn a lot – giggling stupidly as we do (I had questions!)

    Then – as they often do, feelings turn up..

    Which – when you stop & think about it – is what should happen! If you’re spending quality time with someone,  talking daily & being intimately intimate with them – and you DON’T  feel anything towards them? Then you my friend – are probably a physcopath!

    But I’m having fun.. I’ve set my boundaries and I’m seeing & playing with other people, congratulating myself on being so emotionally mature… we’re going to parties – where we are both playing with others & having a great time…

    We hear the term compersion somewhere – I don’t remember where sadly… we research it & discover what it truly means… the freedom it gives you…

    I’m not exaggerating when I say it changed the way we look at the world… just to know that it is an actual thing – and it is possible to not feel jealous of your partners’ enjoyment was so liberating!

    But – like anything worthwhile,  it took some hard work and uncomfortable conversations… mostly with ourselves…

    I remember one particular week where Wench had organised a play date with a guy early in the week,  and then a dinner date a couple days later…

    I was very surprised to find that the play date did not concern me – but that she was going out to dinner, did… somehow this was ‘more’ than sex…We had both come to a point where sex as play was fine – just some good fun that people can engage in without it having any serious or romantic overtones as in more vanilla situations…

    Fortunately,  I saw this as an opportunity to grow – I’d recently seen a FB post about emotions being like muscles – they get stronger when you use them – so I was actually happy with the opportunity to deal with these feelings….

    Rather than feel like I was missing out on her, I was able to enjoy her happiness and feel joy out of her joy – I literally doubled my happiness!! This hit me like a brick to the head!!

    The realisation that I was happy for her – not sad for myself – was so powerful, so liberating that I immediately told my cat…

    Who did not care in the way that only cats can….😅

    And it is work, and it is communicating with your partner, and being honest about what you feel – and probably the most important thing – its NOT, “not” feeling jealousy…

    It’s about being able to handle those feelings, and find a way to the other side of them, finding a way to deal with your own ego…

    And for me – it gets easier every time…

    Wench is out enjoying herself, meeting new & interesting people  and living her best life – and I not only support her – but revelling in her enjoyment!!

    As someone that enjoys giving pleasure, seeing her smiling face, or even her sweaty face when she’s engaging in some skin-on-skin fun – never fails to bring a smile to mine…

    And I know our story isn’t everyone’s, and our situation does make it easier because we are not ‘Forever Partners’… but we have met couples like that – at various stages of their own journey, and can readily attest that it is possible…

    Sadly, I guess its not for everyone…for a thousand reasons some people won’t be able to handle it… just like Swinging isn’t for everybody…

    But I do wish that more people knew of Compersion, and understood it better – because it is an amazing thing and can greatly benefit people’s lives.

    Sorry for the novel folks – but this is something that I am passionate about, and really hope that I can spread the word about this so more people can increase their own level of happiness!!

    Stay safe guys & keep swingin’!

  • Laughing when Naked

    Recently my GFWB (GirlFriend With Benefits!) & I went out to dinner with a newbie couple that attended one of our parties…

    Lovely people – the conversation flowed easily, and the laughter was raucous, and the flirting was apparent…

    I was pontificating  – as I often do – estoling the many benefits of the Lifestyle – and how much it had improved my life…

    A thought popped into my head (well – there IS plenty of room in there!😊😅) and I think I may have stumbled onto if not THE key to the Swinging lifestyle – but at least A main component…

    The ability to Laugh when Naked!

    When you stop & think about it – it makes perfect sense!!

    Apart from with your own partner – where else can you feel comfortable enough to laugh & be silly when you’re naked with another human? If you pick up someone at a pub or other vanilla-type venue – there’s always something holding you back from being your genuine, honest self… be it ego or fear of judgement or just plain trying to impress your partner…

    Its only really when you feel comfortable in the lifestyle where those things can be ignored  – for me anyway..

    This specifically stems from a par ty held by good friends just after Easter…

    At some stage of the night,  I looked into one of the playrooms and was met with a curious site – a naked couple on the bed, at it hammer & tongs as is there want, in doggy-style…

    What made this particular scene memorable was that the man was wearing a ridiculous rabbit-type hat with floppy ears, which popped up and down with each thrust!!!

    The scene was just so ridiculous!

    People enjoying each other’s body, feeling relaxed & comfortable enough to be silly while doing it…

    This is the beauty of the Lifestyle  – feeling free to be silly – to be sexy – to be whatever you want to!!! And to be able to surround yourself with people who not only won’t judge you – but celebrate you for who you are! No matter if you don’t fit into societies narrow guidelines. 

    The ability to walk into a room of relative strangers,  and feel comfortable and safe enough to undress yourself both physically & emotionally is, for me, one of the main reasons I love this lifestyle, and has allowed me to grow so much as a person…

    And! Boobies!!!

    Let’s not forget them – lovely, jumbly boobies of all shapes, sizes & colours!!!

  • ADVENTURES IN SEXYLAND…

    Many years ago, when I was still married, I got a job managing an Adult Shop in Southport, on the Gold Coast..

    My father knew the owners of the store, and they were looking for a man to work the counter with Schoolies coming up… so, I got a job in SexyLand (not the real name!!)

    Most of the time, it was a pretty normal job – managing stock, dealing with customers – the usual retail bullshit…

    But – occasionally something happened that reminded me I wasn’t working in Coles!!

    A lot of our business came from DVD rental… we had the typical ‘back room’ of adult DVD’S for sale, divided into categories – but we also rented them out.

    (Because who’s watching a porno right the way through??) So people – mostly blokes but the occasional couple, would come get their 5 for $50 for a week…

    One of our regulars was a guy who was a deaf mute. I mean – I’m assuming he was mute – conversation was a struggle but we managed to understand each other. What no-one told me was that about once a month, he’d get super horny, and want to organise an escort – as you do!

    The most natural thing in the world – except for the fact that he’d bring in the local paper with the Adult ads at the back, and ask me to ring & make the arrangements! The first time I felt very out of my comfort zone! I was a married man – I hadn’t talked to a sex worker for some time!!

    But the funniest thing was when I was talking to the lady, and explained what the situation was,  she asked me what he was after – after all – she’s running a business here!

    So I looked at the guy, and asked him what he was after.

    And with a big cheesy grin on his face, he mimed a pair of breasts… But not just any breasts – huge, mountainous bazookas, massive chest-puppies, massive mammories  – you get the picture…

    That – I could’ve dealt with…

    If he’d left it at that I could have quite easily gone home and forgotten the incident… but – when he grabbed at his crotch, then turned around at pointed at his own bum – it took all my control not to laugh in his face!!

    Her reply?

    “Well – that will cost extra…”

    Another day I had a couple shady looking dudes in looking at the DVDs…

    And they just gave off bad vibes from the moment they walked in … subtle, furtive glances, whispered conversation  – they could’ve been more obvious if they had t-shirts that said “Shoplifters Anonymous”…

    So instead of waiting behind the counter, I moved to the dividing wall just the other side of the DVD racks, hoping to listen in on their nefarious plans.

    Unfortunately for all of us – one of them caught me watching them and I saw the look in his eye that told me he knew that I knew…

    Now – they’re at the very back of the store,  and I’m in the middle, between them & the exit–not directly in front of them, but off to the side, near where the dildos and butt-plugs are displayed..

    Got that?

    Good.

    So – they panic & start to run out of the store.

    I panic too – because I hadn’t thought any of this through properly, and reach for the closest thing to my hand.

    Now, time for a little history lesson: John Holmes was a old-school porn star – one of the founders… If you’ve seen the Mark Wahlberg movie ‘Boogie Nights’ this is heavily influenced by the life & career of John Holmes – who, in his day was said to have the biggest penis in Adult cinema!

    Why do I tell you this I hear you ask? Because – dear reader, the item closest to hand wasn’t a stick, or even the baseball bat we had behind the counter – but a life-size John Holmes dildo…

    14 inches of veiny rubber, including two good size testicles, sitting on the shelf next to its box, it felt good in my hand if I’m being honest… had a good heft to it–nice & solid. You could probably batter a buffalo to death with this thing I thought, as I chased the two thieves out the front door of the shop into the busy, lunch-time Southport crowd! I dont know who was more surprised – me, or the well-to-do, matronly lady, done up to the nines, suddenly confronted with a man waving a huge rubber penis on the footpath!!

    Along with the usual Adult store paraphernalia, we also used to sell these battery-powered graphic-equilizer type t-shirts. The kids used to wear them to raves I guess – they were fairly popular…

    So this one day this lovely Gold-Coast type lady comes in – tanned, bleach-blonde hair, fake lips, fake tits – you know what I’m saying…

    She grabs a shirt & says she wants to buy one, but would like to check the size…

    I say sure, and am just about to say she can use the staff toilet in the back if she’d like to, when she just whips off her shirt standing in front of me at the counter.

    No bra, so the girls are out in plain view…

    Now – I’ve never been mistaken for Brad Pitt or George Clooney… at this point I’m a happily married man – straight up & down…

    But there’s a half-naked lady standing in front of me, clearing wanting some kind of response…

    So my brain–because it obviously hates me–gives me this to say:

    “They’re nice… are they new?”

    Because they were, quite obviously, fake boobs…

    And–just like those Letters To Penthouse that I used to read by torchlight under the bed clothes– instead of slapping me, or getting angry, she smiles brightly and says “Oh yes, I just had them done.. Would you like to feel them?”

    Today, as I write this, I know the correct way to answer this without sounding creepy…

    Back then? The poor innocent version of me just shook my head & said “No thanks – I’m good”…

    Where were these ladies when I was 16???

  • “THE MOON OVER MORETON BAY…”

    This one’s going to be a bit of fun…I’m going to share some of the interesting & funny things that I’ve seen & done in the short time I’ve been in the lifestyle…

    All of these stories are 100% true – obviously names etc have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent!! 😊

    So my very first, honest-to-goodness Play Party… I’ve mentioned it before, but there are some other funny moments…

    I was in the pool chatting with a lovely lady, and one thing led to another as they often do, and we moved inside the house to find somewhere to play…

    Lots of other people had the same idea – and all the play spaces were pretty busy, so I suggested the shower… it was large enough, and it was a hot day, so I thought it would be nice… Fast forward maybe 10-15 minutes… things are going lovely… she’s touching her toes, I’m behind her having a grand old time – Until!! I move the wrong way and bump the tap… the water goes from lovely & warm to ice-cold in a heartbeat..

    My body reacts – as it is want to do – and she turns to me & says ‘Is that it?’ referring to my deflated & rapidly retreating member!

    Sadly – I had to admit that it was…🥶

    The same party, later that afternoon…there was cheering from one of the playroom, and applause…

    When I asked what was going on, someone told me that a young guy had just had his cherry popped, and his mother was so happy for him…

    His mother had bought her young, virgin son to a Swingers’ Party…

    Just to clarify – they didn’t play together – but with other people in the same room…

    Apparently his mother put on quite a show!

    I’m all for being honest & open with your kids, especially when it comes to sexuality & relationship etc – but that was just a tad too open for me…😅🤣

    3 years or so later, I’m on a friend’s catamaran on Moreton Bay… I was extremely fortunate to be introduced to two of the lovliest and most genuine humans I have ever met – and they had a boat!!

    They’d run little Lifestyle get-aways – usually long weekends…

    Those who know, know…😉

    Being lifestyle people – clothing is optional, so not long after clearing the harbour, off comes the majority of clothing…

    The feeling of the sun, the salt air & the lack of any judgement about my 50yr hairy dad bod was so freeing…

    And the company!

    Intelligent, articulate, experienced and sexually comfortable with each other – our hosts were fantastic and very sexy!

    We’d usually drop anchor off Moreton Island for the afternoon, and just laze about swimming & chatting & enjoying each other’s company…

    Now obviously we didn’t have the ocean to ourselves – there were others who also enjoyed the water, and also the sight of attractive, naked/semi naked women…

    This one’s afternoon a smaller yacht moored quite close to us – even though there was heaps of room in all directions… there was no real reason for them to be so close – except to perve…

    So – if he wanted an eyeful,  I’d give him one! Down came the jocks, and I stood proudly waving at him – in all my hirsute glory!!!

    Funnily enough, they moved away not long after…😅🤣😂

    This other time, a boat had moored a decent ways off, but the skipper decided to pop over in his dinghy (called a painter as I found out!) and visit us…

    Unfortunately for him, as he approached the rear of our boat (aft, starboard – whatever!!) he was greeted with the sight of my hairy arse stuck in the air as I was busily engaging in a bit of oral delight on the back deck!!

    Apparently he reversed course quick-smart and beat a hasty retreat!! Later on, one of my ship-mates remarked he was probably confused by the full moon so early in the afternoon!!

    Ahh, the life of a swinging man!!

  • DO CLOTHES MAKETH THE MAN?

    I’m part of a group that hosts Swingers’ Parties…

    It can be a bit of work, and things don’t always go as planned – (more on that later!) but one thing I’ve started noticing more & more is dress standards – particularly the difference between men & women…

    Obviously,  not everyone is the same – thank goodness for that! – some people love dressing up, for others it’s a bit of a chore…

    But either way – I think it’s important to understand the nature of the event you are attending…

    If you are heading out to a Swingers’ Party, with the intent of rubbing your bits against someone else’s bits, it would be in your best interest to present your bits in the best light possible!

    Now – this is an area where the ladies definitely have an advantage over us guys – there are many things they can do to make themselves even more beautiful than they already are…

    For us men – the options are more limited, but nevertheless as important…

    If you rock up in the same clothes you’d wear going shopping in, or to go to a beer garden, what image are you presenting?

    If you picked the first tshirt that was handy & passed the sniff-test – do you really expect anyone to be attracted?

    Or are you just banking on your obvious masculine energy to drive the ladies mad with desire?

    I’m not saying you need a top hat & tails – but at minimum a nice dress shirt & pants make a good impression…

    Oh – and shoes!

    Who the fuck thinks thongs are appropriate to wear to a Swingers’ Party – especially at night?

    Since I’ve spoken about the guys, I’ll say something about the ladies… Firstly – if you have or have had a female partner in your life – you’ll probably know how much time & effort they can go to to get ready for a night out.. the outfit, hair, make-up, waxing/shaving – they do it all!!

    Some more than others – which is 100% fine. Some ladies love to dress up in sexy lingerie – some ladies don’t…

    But they all deserve to be appreciated for the effort they put in!